I wrote a pleasant first post. I deleted it. Here's the truth. I have spent five months wading through one of the most difficult periods of my life. And here's where this will be frustrating. I can't share the specifics - I can only share the pieces.
It started with a cat. In May we rescued "Cinder" from a hole in our cinder block wall (get it?) We bottle fed him and housed him in a box on our counter. Several times a day his tiny gray face messily slurped from the smallest kitten bottles they make. At some point, the vet corrected our mistake and Cinder became Cinderella, she moved to larger enclosures, and now she confidently rules our home. She has been the brightest unexpected ray of sunshine throughout an unexpected darkness.
Strangely, Cinderella’s presence set off a complex chain of accidents and events that broke some things. In me, in my family, in the circles of people I love. Injury, financial difficulty, mental health issues, hospitalization, broken relationships, the resurfacing of some of the worst of my past. And the random relentlessness of it all has taken me down. I know God is bigger than it all. I know. We’re all supposed to say that, because it’s true. But sometimes, all you can do is weep, and let someone else do the praying for you, because you can’t even form the words.
And every time I am in this place, God is blessing me all the same. Sometimes I (we) don’t see it until later. This time it is a full-time job, leading worship for a church congregation and for preschoolers, and teaching music. Something happened in my heart a couple years ago, and I love what I do more than I ever have. I can’t imagine anyone is more moved, amazed, and grateful for the songs I get to sing – and I get to share them every week.
So I get out of bed each day, and I cling to whatever and whoever gives me hope. I accept that right now all I can do is let God be with me where I am. Someone I trust said that God doesn’t offer me a bait-and-switch deal. I don’t bring him brokenness and find that I’m expected to be whole tomorrow out of my own efforts. Right now I can just be, and when I am open to it, He will be there with me.
Here is my song for this post: He’s Always Been Faithful. I am glad someone created these words and put them to music. I’ve sung this at every church I’ve been at.
This is my anthem
This is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful
He will be again
His loving compassion it knows no end
And I have to share that as I wrote this post, Cinderella swatted at my keyboard and my mouse, and made me smile as I cried. What an odd way God dropped joy into my life during this time. For this little thing, I am thankful.
It started with a cat. In May we rescued "Cinder" from a hole in our cinder block wall (get it?) We bottle fed him and housed him in a box on our counter. Several times a day his tiny gray face messily slurped from the smallest kitten bottles they make. At some point, the vet corrected our mistake and Cinder became Cinderella, she moved to larger enclosures, and now she confidently rules our home. She has been the brightest unexpected ray of sunshine throughout an unexpected darkness.
Strangely, Cinderella’s presence set off a complex chain of accidents and events that broke some things. In me, in my family, in the circles of people I love. Injury, financial difficulty, mental health issues, hospitalization, broken relationships, the resurfacing of some of the worst of my past. And the random relentlessness of it all has taken me down. I know God is bigger than it all. I know. We’re all supposed to say that, because it’s true. But sometimes, all you can do is weep, and let someone else do the praying for you, because you can’t even form the words.
And every time I am in this place, God is blessing me all the same. Sometimes I (we) don’t see it until later. This time it is a full-time job, leading worship for a church congregation and for preschoolers, and teaching music. Something happened in my heart a couple years ago, and I love what I do more than I ever have. I can’t imagine anyone is more moved, amazed, and grateful for the songs I get to sing – and I get to share them every week.
So I get out of bed each day, and I cling to whatever and whoever gives me hope. I accept that right now all I can do is let God be with me where I am. Someone I trust said that God doesn’t offer me a bait-and-switch deal. I don’t bring him brokenness and find that I’m expected to be whole tomorrow out of my own efforts. Right now I can just be, and when I am open to it, He will be there with me.
Here is my song for this post: He’s Always Been Faithful. I am glad someone created these words and put them to music. I’ve sung this at every church I’ve been at.
This is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful
He will be again
His loving compassion it knows no end
And I have to share that as I wrote this post, Cinderella swatted at my keyboard and my mouse, and made me smile as I cried. What an odd way God dropped joy into my life during this time. For this little thing, I am thankful.
Comments
Post a Comment